A Few Things About My Current Situation

I bet no one in this world would want to read this from the beginning till the end. It is so long and boring and wasting time. But I need a place to let out my thoughts. Let me tell you, I am very tedious!

The reason that I had a very low social profile is that I am very poor of making friends. I don't know why I am very bad at making friends but since I was just a child, I had no friends to socialize with. I was just being with myself, my family, relatives and my big brother. Friends at school are not really close to me. So I think I am an introvert? But I spoke on stage, I spoke in front of the audience, I spoke to everyone. May be it is just my nature that I am not friendly.

I had always been stuck with my parents. I love my parents so much and they love me too. So, I think I never really thought about having real close friends. However, until recently. I grew up, had driving license, finished college, waiting to study for degree, I sometimes need time for myself. I wanted to go to the town and spend some time for myself, without anyone. But my parents were too concerned about me and also worried too much that I would be in trouble or anything. So I stayed at home, doing nothing necessary.

Until today, I never thought about having close friends. I like living alone. I even had no feelings for others like most of my peers had. To be honest, I don't even know what 'crush' means. It feels like I have a stone heart. Even if I like someone but I immediately shut out my interests towards that person. Hard to shut it out at first but now it is very easy. Even my mother told me that I have no lust.

Since I am very religious, never drink alcoholic drinks, never smoke, don't do or understand jokes, not friendly, a bookworm and eat more vegetables than calories in my diet, so it would be hard to find someone who share the same characteristics as I am. Well, I found them in GIRLS. None are guys, yet that I met.

I had tried, you know. It was hard. I tried making friends with bookworms too but they are humorous and I am not. Religious people but not bookworms. Making friends with girls is easier for me but with guys are really hard. But, even the girls can't be my friends because, you know, GIRLS. Talking about fashion, make-up, especially boys. I am so not friends with girls although most of them are bookworm and religious and don't smoke and don't drink alcoholic drinks. So, I felt I am the only human being of my own kind. I heard people say, be different. So I am different, but odd.

I know I am very selective in making friends, and that is why I hardly ever have friends. This is my life, I own it. No one cares, but I care. This world I'm living in, I had to pretend to be someone else in order to move forward.

Because of my lack of experience in making friends, I sometimes unintentionally hurt others' feelings. What I said sometimes very direct and sarcastic. But, you can tell me what I said is offensive and I should have said something else so that I can learn from my mistakes. Unfortunately, I hardly ever had met someone who would point out my mistake. They just assumed that I am a bad person. So, I am bad, friendless, and finally lonely.

Good thing is I am still alive. I still have my parents who cared about me. I don't need anyone else to care about me. I still can survive this, with God, and my parents.

The point is, the main reason I am friendless is because my sense of humour. I am terrible at jokes and always serious to others that they became bored with me. When they tell a joke, I could hardly understood it. I even sometimes took it as an insult or sarcasm although I kept quiet about my thoughts. I felt this one part of my mind is blocked but I just don't know it yet.

I also thought that may be I am not happy. I smiled, I laughed, but never the same laugh I had when I was a child. Even my mother noticed but she ignored. The only thing I found to make me happy was study and read books. Or is it to distract my unhappiness by doing so?

Too many questions, yet I am very good at ignoring them. Like loud musics, loud random noises, stinky smell, odours that make you feel sick, people blocking your line of sight, I can ignore them all, well unless it was too strong.

I already talked to my parents about this but my parents are aging and they had their own problems too, especially health problems and problems at workplace. They told me that I am young, doing nothing at home and not worry about anything, and then next time only worry about my study and anything just about it. I mean, who would listen to this 19 year old boy, who lives at the suburbs, staying at home doing nothing and friendless, and always looked strong. They also told me to always pray to God and seek joy in Him. So, what am I to this world?