At first, everything went just as what I anticipated. But just a couple of days before New Year, one of my General Study teacher gave us a few titles to choose from and make ourselves a public speaking speech. We were to hand it in by the first week of second semester of school.
However, my very intimidating mother (she scares me a lot) wanted me to join her to Miri and celebrate New Year there, which I was in the middle of making that public speaking speech. I thought I could tell her that I should stay at home but she insisted and eventually upset that made me force myself to agree.
Nothing was special about celebrating New Year in Miri anyway. It was the same as when I was at home.
On the first day of school, I was really exhausted and I was even barely could open my eyes and stay focused in my class. (Still doing that speech)
On the second day of school, I barely could move my limbs as I was already exhausted from doing homework from the first day and making that speech, that made my parents told me to rest. (They don't know why I got very tired)
Later that day, they thought that I was still asleep but I pretended to be asleep. I heard about their complains about me, disappointments about me, and I was surprised to hear what they were discussing about me. That made me reminded myself to keep quiet for as long as I can.
On the third day of school, I was totally refreshed and my speech was handed in on that day with my homework finished. However, I was feeling down about no one even knew that I was absent on the day before. Even the person who sat beside me, nor behind me. I was feeling like I never existed in my class. Since they never actually asked why I was absent, so I kept quiet.
To be honest, happiness was never a part of me any more since last year. So whenever someone interact with me, I was always in a serious tone or being a little too much of sarcastic. That made others not even care about me and I was lonely.
Loneliness has been a part of me to replace my happiness. I am very pathetic you know. I was still okay, I always tell myself that I am still alive and may be I still have a purpose to live. No one have to know what I feel like. I could always fake myself a laugh and never got sad. Anger now is taking over me.
I felt terribly bad that I always got mad at my mother and always being the sulking freak in my family. I don't know why. May be it was because I thought I was strong? Or was it I don't want to show my weakness? So much for my ego.
I am now the least got attention from anyone. I think. Suddenly I thought about this blog and may be I could feel better if I express my piece of mind here. I know that if I express them here, no one will read it. I already checked out the number of visitors to my blog, and only 10 visitors on the first day and got lesser the day after that. But I don't know if they read it or not. That's the other problem. And the best thing about express myself in my blog is that no one in my circle knew that I had a blog.
I will try to hold back my bad attitudes and anger. As long as no one should know the agonies of pathetic life. Good luck to myself then.
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