Most of the time I would not show my true emotions. If the pain is too unbearable, I would conceal it in any way possible. My parents are great, caring and very protective. If in any way I reveal small detail of depression, they would be very concerned. I am very sorry for my brother whom my parents seemed to be less concerned about him, especially my father. Sometimes, parents should never be bias with their children.
I wrote this thing down in my blog because I knew that they would not read this. I even showed them my blog but they did not mind about anything I wrote here. So, basically this blog is like a special thing for me. Anything I could not express towards my parents, I wrote them here. Even I could not express so much to my friends because I could not trust anyone else, and they thought that I have a very easy life. If you read my previous blogs, then you'll know how much mental pain I had suffered due to the previous ruling political party bullsh*ts.
I don't have the budget to go to private college or universities. I was being treated as someone from foreign countries, especially I am a Christian Chinese. However, my mother's race is not even close to Chinese. Am I Chinese or Iban? Just call me a Malaysian. Due to the fact they see me as Chinese, I have no offer to go to university or matriculation college after I had my SPM. Instead, they gave me an offer to go to Polytechnic school. Seriously? Does my SPM result was THAT bad? I was crying for two days about this. After that I studied there for only a week because I felt so down and I realised hope is not lost and I continued Form 6. When I was Form 5, the Chinese teachers were wondering I was too comfortable of my future. I thought I could be a doctor, going to matriculation college and take degree in a university. But then I went to Form 6 and it took me for almost 3 years to get any degree. Unfortunately, my dreams of becoming a doctor just buried. I switched to art stream in Form 6 due to Science stream in Form 6 is heavenly impossible for me to score near 4.00 CGPA.
Lately I had been attending some interviews to be qualified to enter certain universities with specific courses. I have a new ambition, to be an educator or teacher. But then I was told I failed in MEdSI. The odd thing is, my peers who achieved less than 2.90 CGPA has passed MEdSI and called in for interviews. How about the ones who achieved above 3.00 CGPA? Nothing. Another disappointment yet I must endure. Due to the fact just like Jesus had suffered so much and nailed on the cross for teaching about Christianity, I believe something good or better than this disappointment I had.
If someone asks me, "Do you have friends?" I would just tell them the answer they wanted to hear. I do have friends but they are never close to me in many such ways. As if they were like acquaintances. I am extremely introvert, though I dared to talk face to face with anyone. My friends and I never really had that 'special' bond. Like, brotherhood or accomplice or confidants. The reason that I had this type of relationship with my friends is because of my parents. Everything involving outside the house must be supervised by my parents. If they give permissions, I would be glad but if they did not know how to put their noses for their own business, my friend would be not comfortable. So we rarely hang out. Furthermore, the reason also came from myself. I had to admit that I am selfish and a perfectionist. Do you think if I corrected my friends' grammar by private messages could help them? No. Because they think I am a perfectionist and very annoying but they did not realise I was trying to help them. "Bare in mind" should be "Bear in mind", for example. That is why I have inactive social profiles because of I hate reading grammatical errors on their posts. Even I realised I had some issues with my own grammar due to reading too much of grammatical errors and you can nothing to help correcting their grammar and instead being selfish for ignoring.
Now I just follow my parents everywhere they go. I miss my childhood when I can do anything I want but with limits and no worries although I remember since small I have no friends until I went to secondary school. May be I am born to not have friends. May be I just born to survive by my own, and not too dependant to others. Everyone is different, even in the most odd ways of difference.
